Katie

Wizard of Oz: The Anti-Achievement Message

2006-12-13T16:50:01Z

I originally wrote this on my myspace (which is stupid to use the word "my" like that back to back) but it so accurately expresses my displeasure with the Wizard of Oz that I thought i'd post it here as well.

No Place Like Home...Ha!

So, the other night as i'm drifting off to sleep, I hear wizard of oz on my sister's tv so i call out to her to tell me the channel it's on so that i may watch too. I turn it on and begin watching somewhere towards the end. The movie is all well and good, a little cheesier and lower budget than I remember, especially the part where the witch gets splashed with water and looks all pissed like someone through their drink in her face, then after a minute she starts to melt...whatever. So, finally we get to the part where the Wizard of Oz is supposed to help her get home and that doesn't pan out, good fairy floats down in her chewing gum bubble and tells Dorothy, you can go home once you've learned your lesson. Now, what is that lesson you may ask, something empowering, insightful, or moving? Perhaps it's a lesson about helping others find the good in themselves, or realizing their own power and ability, like the lion who just wanted courage but finds that he had courage within him all along, or the scarecrow who clearly has some sort of mental capacity as he plots how to get out of the sticky situation in the witches castle, and finally the tin man who is obviously showing care and concern for other people by trying to help dorothy escape so of course he has a heart. The Wizard's explanations are terrible, rather than emphasizing each of these things, that they already had what they thought they were missing, he merely hands them plastic toys and a stupid piece of paper saying, "here kiddies, you don't have to believe in yourself or analyze your behavior to understand the good in you, just make sure you have some material object that says it's there, and that will make it true." Finally, my biggest qualm with this horrendous story masquerading as some great cinematic masterpiece is Dorothy's lesson... NEVER LEAVE HOME. I believe her words are something along the lines of, "I went looking for something outside of myself when I should have realized it was in my backyard all along." It'd be better if I had the actual quote but let me put it this way, "Stupid dorothy, ignore your dreams of what lies over the rainbow, ignore any sort of aspirations, goals, or drive, just be content with the mediocre life you have on some god forsaken farm in Kansas, stick around and raise babies and never venture outside your front door step because if you do, there'll be a wicked witch waiting to beat you back into submission and re-realize, "there's no place like home, i'll never leave home, ever." God i'm disgusted! Perhaps I haven't conveyed the meaning of all of this adequately but perhaps when my head is thinking clearly I can put this into a more coherent format, but until then, go watch it for yourself and see what I mean.

Verisimilitude...

2006-10-17T02:47:41Z

God i'm trying so hard to not let this hurt, to let it wash over me the way i can't seem to let other thing go either. God just stop thinking about it and twisting it around in your head where you know you'll just make it far worse than what's actually been said. I hate everything that place represents, i hate the magic hold it has that i can't ever touch, or compete with, i can't talk about or breathe about because it has nothing to do with me. I hate it so much that i can feel it poison all the good things you do so all i can see is the filth that covers everything now. I'm trying so hard to not let it hurt, the way it's quick and it's dirty, and it's all what you want. You're giving me all the right words that i want, sometimes at least, but i'm giving you everything else in my world. I know that you're giving a lot of yourself, but when anger and hurt kick in it all gets skewed to a one eyed view of how things go down in our merry go round. You don't even notice when things go so wrong, when i start to shut down and then i'm withdrawn. I'm crying my soul into this chasm between us because i'm begging you please just stop what is hurting me, and all it will take is for you to just notice, but you just see the tears and hand me a tissue and all i can do is wish that you would dig just a little bit deeper and find the dark painful truth, all twisted inside. My troubles are spilling out of this dam because i can't hold them back and stay safe on dry land, there's no such thing as stable ground, wherever i stand it's just a matter of time before my own insecurity wrenches me free and i'm tossed out to drown in my self made sea. It's remarkable to me how people know just how and where to strike at you best that will leave you all crumpled and clutching your chest, just a pile of bruises that nobody sees and just a waste of time all this typing my mind. You won't get inside and this anger will die, but nothing ever disappears completely, i'll be left with these thoughts and forget me knots, and the worst fear of all is that you won't miss me at all. You can't say you're not missing me now, because believe me you're missing the what, why, and how. You're missing the green, the black, blue, and red, the point and the meaning behind every word said. I'm throwing up softballs, and casting out bait, and you refuse to hit back or bite down on my thoughts so i'll just keep on planting these forget me knots.

Sober Thoughts

2006-08-30T16:59:30Z

This weekend was great fun, however I ended up sitting alone in a room for a long period of time and found I had emailed myself this...

You know what it's like to be completely alone in a room full of people, to feel like no one could ever understand what's going on in your head. You know what it's like to feel so completely neglected by the one person that seems to consume your every thought. I thought it would be different this time, but maybe i'm just being dramatic, i'm overreacting and he's acting like a child. Alcohol always does it, and i'm just not in the mood, to lay down the reserve and swallow it back. I'm not up for drinking what the kids are all sinking so i'll just sit here writing alone in a room that isn't even mine, alone in a city where i can't find my way out. It's a lot harder to think with the music that's pounding through the speakers trying to reach them out in the living room playing their card game and killing their brains. God damn i hate the taste of every cursed drink, I can't get past the burn and the knowledge that it's drowning inhibition and pulling me down from my moral ground. I can't escape the fact that i'm just a good girl, the kind that can't throw sorrow and stress to the wind all for the sake of blending in. It's funny you see, these people are all good fun and sometimes bright, but it's like a different group comes out at night. I'm not really sure what else to say, and i'm worried that this is it for today... so good night i'm signing off just to sit all alone.

Tired Streaming

2006-08-11T03:27:57Z

It's starting to kick in, the pill that i took, I'm dreary and dizzy and my eyelids are drooping. My heart is still sad from the show that I watched and it's a little bit sorry to get that caught up, but whenever it's emotion I jump in head first. I'm terrified of love while falling so fast and all i can do is keep running from a past. It's all so permanent the way it sticks with you. There are ointments and creams to get rid of the scars, but where are the pills to mend broken hearts. Where are the escapes from the fears that you feel, the way it keeps hurting must make it real, the way you keep thinking of the ugliness inside, the place where you're evil. I don't know how ready i am to walk away from those thoughts, to let it all go and stop feeling bad. To feel bad is to feel, at least I know that it's real, happiness is so ephemeral and lighter than air, what knowledge do we have that it's actually there. Who has time for good feelings, and smiling faces, I'm so used to tears and solitary embraces. They say it takes more muscle to frown than to smile, but secretly I think it's all just a lie. Happiness is foreign and I feel my body reject it, it's fighting to come up while i fight to swallow it down. I'm just a little dizzy from all of this dreaming, the happy ending and boy next door are just fairy tales I know, but what if this time it's actually working? I don't live in the land of castles and bad apples, and I don't want a nameless, faceless prince. What I do want is bliss and the real happy ending. I've seen enough damage to know where this leads but I kept coming back with inexplicable need. You'd think it was closure that I kept searching after but that's nowhere near what I want from this life. What's closed won't be opened and what's dead won't revive, so what I want from this love is to just stay alive. It's not always rose colored glasses I use, to look at my life and the things that I choose, more often than not, my eyes flash to green, and more times than i'd like, I hate what I'm seeing. I'm a dreamer who probably no longer believes in anything the mind or heart can conceive. Neither can be trusted, they both tell their lies, one is a fool and the other is naive, one makes you cry, while the other one bleeds. Despite all my meandering about frowning and fears, i'm happy and smiling, with a side dish of tears.

Stream of thought, it's all that i've got

2006-08-04T22:02:30Z

Quiet the mind and set it to still, maybe if I’m lucky things finally will just fall into place and I can just think, it’s hard to focus on what isn’t real, what’s not right in front of me or somewhere inside of me, it’s just a game that’s going round and round, you know the kind we played as children in the school yard, but this has taken me far off the path, the place where I wanted my thoughts to just go, the place where you live and are completely mine, the place where I can touch you and breathe you and make you do all the things I long for and love, the place where I suspend what’s real and what’s not. It’s hard to stop spinning like a little girl, with arms all stretched out and my pony tail swinging, what’s that I hear, the door open and close, it’s mom calling up to drop my whole world for a second’s attention but I’ll stay wrapped in my chaos and my silly girl spinning. I’ve been here before, where I’m fated to fall, the ground keeps getting closer to my face and I’m waiting for balance to give up in the race, it’s all gonna crash but what do I care, for I’ve been here before and it’s nothing I can’t take. The broken heart and shattered pieces I’m sick of that plot line, it’s time for new release, a break in the monotony of life’s twisted pattern, let’s break from the circle and show what we’re made of. Maybe it will be something real and substantial or maybe we’re just made of memories and dreams, nothing to grasp or hold in our arms, just hold me in your mind and cradle my charms. I’ll never live up to the memory of her, never live up to my mom’s little girl. I’ll never be perfect or tiny or quiet, I’ll never stay still in this one woman riot. It’s a riot you see, this game that we play, it’s all in the subtext of the things we don’t say. There’s push and pull, a little stop and go but it’s not quite right each time the lights go out. Slow down, mind is racing, can’t grab just one thought, but this swirling and thinking is all that I’ve got. I’m not all that social, I simply don’t care, it’s too much to take, to be so emotional. I’ll play by myself, I did as a child, it’s always just me when you leave me like this. Abandoned, alone, solitary confinement, I’ll do just fine if I keep lying to myself. What happens when everything collides into one, my family, my boyfriend, my party of one. I won’t swallow this crap that society feeds us, and I won’t throw it up so I’ll just stop eating. I stop for a second and my heart beats in unison to the cursor on the screen that’s bidding me continue, I want what is in you. I’m used to the rumors, the neighborhood’s buzzing, what’s she done now and who is she fucking. Peeking over fences and out of curtain clad windows, their boring lives made purposeful by spying on this sinner girl. Give me the A and brand my wrist, I’ll play to the part. The seed has been planted in the mind of my mother, don’t come out and ask me just keep on harassing and dropping your hints, I get what you’re saying but I won’t keep on playing it’s time to draw the line in the sand, this little girl is cutting the cord.

Life Update

2006-07-27T18:01:21Z

I suppose the biggest news is that I have an interview next week, even if it's not an ideal job, it's something. I think this one interview is enough to keep my parents off my back for a while however it won't fill my bank account unless I get the job. I'm getting kind of bored with just sitting around the house all day or waiting on other people so I think i'm ready to start working, especially since school will be starting for other people or they'll be starting work. I also need to start thinking about the GRE's again. I have to sign up, prepare, then take the stupid test so I can begin applying to Grad schools for next year. It's strange how my perspective on grad school has changed. I had thought about going close to home so I could just live at home while going to school, but now that seems like less of an appealing option. I don't want to go too far though for a number of reasons, most of all, it's just scary. I really want to feel capable of living on my own, paying my own bills, and being an adult, but I just don't think i'm ready for that.

Last night at dinner, my sister mentioned something about because John (her boyfriend) has all these allergies, she won't feed her kids certain foods until they're old enough to tell her they're having a reaction. I was a little surprised by this statement because every time I ask her if they're going to get married, she sort of dodges the subject or puts it off until some day. In my experience, that's always meant I don't really like the person or I have a lot of trouble seeing myself with him so I try to avoid talk of serious things. I guess my sister isn't on that same wavelength. Even though my oldest brother is married with a kid, I still don't like the idea of my siblings getting married and starting their own families. I don't like the idea of being replaced on the list of most important family members. A little lesson that I stumbled upon in therapy... i'm selfish and hate change when it inconveniences me in any way. I hate things that mess with my small but stable world or anything that screws with my sacred traditions of family interactions.

In other news, it's really difficult trying to have a healthy, "normal" relationship considering it's something i've never experienced before. I hate constantly second guessing myself and wondering if i'm being too needy, too emotional, too affectionate, too distant and so on. It's quite the double edged sword... I try really hard to be the kind of girl who doesn't constantly have to be with her boyfriend, the girl who will let him enjoy the company of his friends without interrupting but then I have to balance that with not ignoring him. I hate feeling inadequate and like there are so many things I have to do to ensure the other person's happiness. I'd like to feel important enough that the other person wants to ensure my happiness.

I'm finally trying to break away from the company of ex-boyfriends, especially after getting yelled at by one of them. I detest when someone doesn't talk to you for a while, then gives you a small window of time they're free to do something and then gets angry when that doesn't work with your schedule, like it's your fault. I'm sick of feeling obligated to these boys, isn't that the reason we broke up? Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to handle friendships, I get exhausted and stretched too thin because I feel like it's entirely too demanding to have people in your life, all of whom want something different from you. Despite that, I had my first girl sleepover since elementary school. It was a little strange for me considering I have no idea what to do with another girl, what to talk about, how to entertain them (I haven't had to deal with that in over 8 years). It was nice to have a female to talk to... one that isn't related to me.

Wedding Bells

2006-07-18T21:38:44Z

I just found out that a friend from high school was recently married and for some reason I feel incredibly weird about it. Another acquaintance is already engaged and I can't help but think how strange it is. People our age shouldn't be getting married... it's too sudden, especially when I feel like we're all still kids, or at least still high schoolers. It seems a trend of our generation to wait for marriage until at least mid to late twenties but all around me are wedding bells. I remember when I was in middle school I had this entire plan for my life that included marriage at age 22, my first child at 25 and my second child at 28. Now that i'm about to turn 22, that plan couldn't seem more absurd. What's the point in getting married so young, you're barely out of college, not even out of your parents' home and just jumping into starting your own family. I guess it's hard for me to imaging a "married" couple showing up to a party and hanging out with their peers. As much as I despise the entire idea, maybe i'm a little jealous that their lives are already beginning, that they have a plan, there's some kind of action, and most of all, there's stability and security. I look forward to having all of those things but I can't forsee them for myself any time soon, especially since I have yet to have a single, sustainable, healthy relationship with anyone thus far.

princesspotter1 @ 2006-07-18T11:13:00

2006-07-18T15:25:19Z

In the few days since my parents have been gone, I've tasted a sort of blissful freedom I never knew existed. I've been able to stay out as late as possible without having to call home or worry about consequences, I've been able to stay out and have someone stay with me and it's all been better than I could have imagined. I'm dreading Saturday night when I pick my parents up from the airport and return to my life of chores, searching for a job, curfew, and boredom.

From what I remember and took part in, Spencer's party was thoroughly enjoyable (minus the feeling sick part). I enjoyed listening to Billy Attack but think they sounded better in practice, perhaps because of my intoxication or theirs. It's been over a year since I have actually had the opportunity to drink at a party which is why certain events occurred as they did. I feel so in control and restricted all the time that eventually, you just can't live up to that kind of perfection so with little danger and consequence, I gave myself permission to drink at Spencer's party. I'm pretty sure i'm the biggest lightweight ever, and was sufficiently drunk after half a cup of the mysterious "Palmolive" but I've never really mastered the art of taking it slow, so 2 or 3 cups and a twisted smirnoff later I was completely wrecked. It's a bit of a shame because I don't like being that person, the person who gets memories of the night before recounted to them, or the person who has to be handled like a child and picked off the floor to lay in bed. It could have been worse, and in the end I was able to rejoin the party. My brother and sister were fairly shocked/amazed when I recounted the evening for them. They of all people know the extent to which their sister is a square in the social context of things and for once, I didn't have to be the responsible one, and it felt good.

"FINE, I'LL GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT!!"

2006-06-30T23:43:33Z

I'm currently hiding out in my room after an ugly and heated argument with my parents. I'm not exactly sure how it happened or what brought it up, I believe it was some joking and undercutting remark my Dad made about me paying rent at home. I told him if I wanted to pay rent I would get an apartment. I started bringing up the unfair double standard I have been stuck in where my siblings are free to come and go as they please, have visitors of the oppositte sex stay the night and so forth while I am forced to abide by "courtesy hours" and constantly bombarded with phone calls inquiring after my whereabouts and ETA for coming home. It is entirely unfair that me, the child who has shown them nothing but respect my entire life, has never acted in the typical nature of teens, never partied, stayed out and so forth, the one person in this family that has been there for my parents in every respect, has fulfilled all of their hopes and goals for me... it is me that must deal with the restrictions. My mom was on my side, trying to rationally state my opinions while I sat there flustered and smacking my hand on the table to enforce each of my points. Of course, in usual father fashion, my father would have none of it, not from me and not from my mother. The argument took a turn for the ugly when he said I had certain freedoms and responsibilities, that I didn't have many things asked of me (in my opinion, complete bullshit) and that if I thought otherwise it showed me to be spoiled. I lost it at that point considering I do everything for my parents and put up with constant phone calls each day requesting me to do errands and tasks. My dad said I was free to get an apartment and do what I want but until then he expected respect. When it got to be too much, I screamed, "FINE, I'LL GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT!!" and now he's here to talk....

The Breakfast Club

2006-06-29T18:52:08Z

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, with the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

I hate when a movie comes on tv that you own and it would make more sense to just put on the DVD rather than watch it on tv with the voiced over bad words and commercial breaks but you're too lazy so you sit through the bleeps and product advertisements.

It's a little sad watching a movie about kids who have these unsatisfying home lives all the while sitting here feeling the same way and then realizing that these are high school students and i'm 21 living at home. Last night was another classic example of why I should no longer be living here. My father has already instituted a midnight curfew which he also seems to think applies to the weekends, and I told him where I would be and that i would come home after the movie. What do I find on my phone at 11:30? A message from him telling me to come home and five extra minutes of how he had to clean out the cat box and to bring in his suit jacket from my car and where to hang it. There's also the fact that for the past two days he's been using my car and when i got it back yesterday i found he hadn't taken the time to fill up my tank and left me close to empty. I'm so god damn fed up with being the perfect child and getting nothing in return. You would think that my 21 years of perfect behavior would have built me some kind of trust and leeway with my parents. Instead, it has imprisoned me in a world where my parents treat me like a child. I've had it and it's only causing me to rebel, to want to break free of their uncalled for tyranny. My sister has been acting as the devil on my shoulder goading me into misbehaving and I have to tell you, it's starting to look more and more attractive. Last night, as I stood surrounded by a group of my peers watching them make further plans for the evening I felt incredibly jealous. How is it all of them have parents who allow them to stay out as long as they want, go where they want while I have a Dad calling me at 11:30. I want that life but i'm not sure if I have the courage to push my parents away to that point. Instead i'll just whine and bitch about it to people who can't do anything to help me.

It's about that time...

2006-06-20T17:18:12Z

It would appear that true to form, I haven't updated in quite some time. I suppose I have missed that certain satisfaction that comes from writing in a journal. You would think that with the life changing events of late, I would have been eager to jump into my usual state of recording memories and reliving them rather than cherishing current moments. The last few months have offered a multitude of emotional experiences, I stopped talking with Adam and broke things off completely with him and it's all kind of a weird feeling. For four years he was the closest person to me, the one I trusted fully, the one I could share every part of myself with and trust that he wouldn't leave me. To reward such heroic dedication I shut him out of my life in a very emotionally unstable and avoidance kind of way. I suppose that's how I deal with things, I get to a point where I'm sick of coming back to the same feelings and experiences, sick of feeling trapped or perhaps afraid of what's to come so I respond by shutting it all out. The strange thing is, it's exactly what Tom did to me, the same cold, blatant disregard for devoted love that he showed me when he shut me completely out of his life and broke my heart beyond all imagining. I generally despise the phrase "broke my heart", it rings of teen drama and overly warn cliches but alas, it is the essence of what happened. Rather than face me and our problems, Tom slammed the door hard on all communication and since then i've been desperately hoping to heal myself and rid myself of the thoughts and pain attached to his very name. I shudder to think that I could have done the very same thing to someone I cared so deeply for. I suppose I had reached a point where I was so tired, so exhausted emotionally and physically, I had nothing left to give, I couldn't stand to go through the necessary motions of caring and kindness. I knew that such actions would only lead me back to the very place I was trying to escape. Thus ended a four year affair of sorts. In true Katie fashion, I wasted no time in finding a suitable replacement to end my JMU career with. I decided not to spend the remaining two months in lonely confinement so I found a new boyfriend. There isn't much to note here other than I saw no real potential for continuing the relationship past graduation. No more than a week after I returned home, I broke it off with him. I suppose that's the real purpose of this post, the return home. I feel as if time has somehow reversed in a weird turn of events where I am not only not an adult but perhaps have even become a child. Before I came home, my mom spoke of giving me my privacy and independence, helping me adjust to the change of moving back home after living freely at college in my own apartment. After months of dread, hearing those words allowed me some small measure of hope that perhaps things wouldn't be too terribly different from the life to which I had grown accustomed. I arrived home to be met with a curfew, constant phone calls, chores, and a telephonic tracking device in the form of reminder phone calls about curfew. To top it all off, my parents went so far as to pressure me into which people i could spend time with and even to take away the knife I had been cutting boiled eggs with for fear I might cut myself. As my mother handed me the fork to mash up the yolks I asked if this to might be too great a danger, what with four sharp points and all. I find myself utterly mystified at how this could be happening, how is it possible to be demoted back to the ranks of an 8 year old at the age of 21. As weeks are starting to turn into months, I find myself continually putting of the job search, as if there are greater things to occupy my time, like day time television, web surfing, mah jong solitaire, and the viewing of every DVD in the family collection. I alternate my social time between three guys and my family. There is no one else in my life and it's usually past noon before I have any sort of human contact. I'm beginning to feel crazy in my confinement, talking to myself on tape recorders, and sinking further into a state of sadness and a feeling of complete loneliness. For the first time in a long time, I don't have someone constantly at my side for every waking hour, telling me they love me, entertaining me, and providing me with some kind of comfort. I find myself scared and sad. I listen to countless stories about people getting married, I watch couples from the car window and start to feel this hollow emptiness in my chest. Am I supposed to be finding someone to marry, what if that never happens for me, what if I have nothing but a string of semi-intense relationships before they fizzle out and leave me standing alone? I have started to fear that most of all, the prospect of eternal loneliness. As much as my parents argue and fight, I smile to think that at least they have each other, they know the other person will always be there... I don't have that. Instead, I have this: "He pushed her to destroy herself. he made her want and then gave her no satisfaction. Why did he do this to her? Why did she let him? How could she give herself away like this, even after she'd already learned such a bitter lesson?"

Writing in the night

2006-01-16T08:17:49Z

Where do you begin when writing in the night, when left with only your own thoughts to think through in the dark. I'm left with a feeling of deep internal loneliness. Where do you turn when there's no one there to listen. I've always been a solitary being and not always by choice. I learned early on to keep things internalized, to confide to myself in journals, to cry on my own shoulder or into a pillow. I learned that girls have sharp nails and boys have strong fists. People only hurt you, there are always tears at the end of smiles and rain after the rainbow. I have such a hard time trusting anyone, opening up to people and arming them with things to hurt me, I have trouble being trusted, I have trouble loving and being loved and yet no trouble at all. I ache desperately to write and paint but don't have the talent to do it. I rage on the inside and meekly stand back on the outside. I cheat and break the hearts of the men i love only to break my own in the end. I rely on one person for unconditional love, my mother... only to find that her love isn't so unconditional. I caught a glimpse of what happens when mom's little girl isn't the perfect angel she imagined, and that wasn't love in her voice or in her eyes, that wasn't love in her silence... it wasn't safety and security i felt. Instead, my world felt rocked and shattered, like the delicate balance that was keeping me on the edge of safety was violently tossed around, like the fragile shield of glass i had crafted had shattered into a million shards leaving me exposed to the harsh reality. Where do i turn when love comes at a price, when i can't open up and show my true self to the one person who is supposed to love me through everything. What has life taught me? Don't ever show people everything you are, what you are is ugly and horrible and wrong... what you are is not the picture perfect image you've been crafted into. I'm falling apart from within and shattering on the outside. I don't have answers, i don't have strength... i have myself and my secrets, my face beneath the masks. Do i even know who's underneath? What if it's a person i don't want to see. It becomes so exhausting keeping up a different face for everyone in my life. I want to feel good and happy but those feelings have always seemed to come at a price, they're always accompanied with guilt and the disappointment of others. For weeks now i haven't been able to get this line out of my head, "you're just an empty cage girl, if you kill the bird." I feel like whatever I truly was, whatever person i was meant to be used to be this brilliant and beautiful bird. Farther back than i can remember i started having expectations and restrictions placed on me, slowly and surely a cage was constructed, until suddenly i looked around and there was nothing but that cage. The bird has long since died and i'm only left with the restraints of others. Everyone's counting on me for something, i have to be everything to everyone and heaven forbid i start to act for myself, that's when the world gets shaken and not stirred. I feel like i'm trying to balance all the wants and desires of other people that there's no room for my own. I feel like even the slightest change could send everything crashing down and I'm starting to crumble from the pressure. I don't know why i'm writing this, but all i know is that at 3:15 in the morning, I am alone... and i'm scared. Maybe it's the terror of another life decision approaching but maybe it's the real me creeping to the surface. Maybe all of those thoughts and feelings of my own that i seem to suppress on behalf of everyone else, maybe they're breaking free because my guard is down from exhaustion.

The void

2005-11-30T05:38:35Z

I often find myself wrapped up in so many thoughts that I become trapped in this chaotic circle of images, memories, feelings, and thoughts that continually swim around me, as if i were trapped inside a bowl filled with these things and there is no escape. I find myself talking to an internal voice, running over to do lists and facts, due dates, and responsibilities. The bowl of emotions is a metaphor from counseling and i've been using my insights as well as my counselors as inspiration for a collection of paintings. I've been sketching my ideas down and labeling them as "Counseling Thoughts" and so far I have three metaphors on paper. It's been a really great release for me and given me a chance to begin drawing and painting again. I've sorely missed that side of me, the small personal indulgences i used to give myself in the form of art and journal writing. I no longer have time for those thing and find myself wasting time on cheap substitutes like watching movies or playing games online. I need a space to think and reflect outside of my own mind and putting it down to paper or canvas is almost like pulling an idea out of my mind and leaving it still accessible but taking it out of the mix in my head. My world constantly seems thrown in chaos, i haven't been able to maintain my obsessive organization and order in my room or in my school work and job. My external world has certainly been matching my internal world and every time i clean everything up, it magically becomes a mess again. Very similar to the constant tasks I am scribbling at the bottom of to do lists, no matter how many i mark off, more seem to appear at the bottom as if by magic.
I hate to be lost inside my own thoughts without being able to order them and sort them out. It's like trying to catch a wave, no matter how desperately i try to grab a hold of something and pin it down it slips away beyond my reach. I have become consumed by my stress...

In other news... today was quite an amazing counseling session. For a very long time i've been witholding a piece of myself in counseling, afraid to open up too much and let too much of the truth out for fear of being judged. Today, without my knowledge, I stumbled into awareness and opened up. It really took me by surprise and I don't believe i was prepared for it and i surrendered to the most cliche of behaviors... I cried in therapy. For a long time i had been struggling internally to prevent that, I didn't want to fall victim to such a glib behavior, I didn't want to display my vulnerable side and yet, without my consent, my emotions thought it was time. It was so relieving to finally let go of a barrier i had been trying so hard to maintain. By the end i was actually crying tears of relief. I am not a big displayer of emotion, at least not in public or around many people so this was a really big deal for me. My counselor even rewarded me, if unconsciously and opened up a little about himself. It was a really interesting experience and I walked away with an overwhelming sense of calm and a smile on my face. I am sad to think that next week will be my last session, I truly wish i could continue. Not to use counseling as some sort of crutch to face all of my problems but rather to have such a safe space with such an understanding counselor to open up to when all the world around me seems closed off.

Life Approaches

2005-10-30T15:13:35Z

So, here I am sitting quietly in my room, left with only my thoughts of the future for company. As time keeps slipping by, it only becomes scarier to think about the future, about my next "step". I scarcely know what i'm doing and that's not a good position to be in when life decisions are knocking at your door step. It's weird to think that i'm back in the same place i was after graduation. Your left saying good bye to a place you've invested so much interest in, left wondering where you'll end up and what effect it will have on your current relationship and friendships. Things are about to change and i've never been good with change. I find myself not wanting to grow up, not wanting to be on my own, not wanting to worry about things like health insurance and bills. All my life i've been told how mature i am and how responsible, but right now i don't feel like either of those things. I've been babied and spoiled, never forced to hold down a job, never expected to pay for anything... maybe it has taught me some very bad life lessons. I feel so completely unprepared to take on the reality of life. College was such a nice place to hide, a place to pretend you were figuring out life, all the while just having fun and not dealing with any real responsibilities other than getting yourself to class. Of course, I wouldn't want to go back either, I would never wish to relive high school again. The lasting damage that experience had on me is something I don't ever wish to repeat. Then again, I don't think I would like to do college over again, the pain, drama, heart break, and torture that occurred here is not something I would want to feel again. It's weird to think that i am in "therapy" or counseling, whatever they want to call it. Luckily i have the excuse that i have to do it for class (which is true, and the only reason i started it), but it's no secret that i've always wanted to go. I've found counseling to be so relaxing and beneficial but at the same time, I don't feel like i'm getting at the core dilemmas that cause me to perpetuate the same problems in my life. I'd like to think i've grown and changed a little in my four years here, and perhaps i have changed in certain aspects, but when i look inside myself, i am looking at the same girl from high school, the same girl from middle school... I can't say i am the same from elementary school because i did change... only i changed for the worse, i started my long and tumultuous road of relationships there and I've never been able to stop. I've never been able to stand on my own without a guy there to hold me up. It's not by any means that i need a guy to feel whole, or that i feel incomplete by myself. What i need is the comfort of another person, letting me know they care. Something i stumbled upon in therapy was the reason behind all of this. In my past, when i had an actual group of friends in my neighborhood, I began dating one of the boys, when we broke up, I lost all of those friends. When we started dating again or i began dating a different boy in the group... suddenly i had friends again. I was virtually conditioned to believe that to have friends, i had to be dating someone... and so it began. A slight problem arises when you are the only girl in your neighborhood to be dating, somehow in everyone's minds, at age 11 you are a slut. That very word, "slut" is what the parents whisper to one another at the bus stop, it's what they tell their daughters when they tell them not to hang out with me, I was branded with a scarlet S. The odd thing there is, i didn't even have sex until I was 18. So, there I was with only male friends, and then only when I was dating one of them. From that point on, any girlfriends I ever had always left me in the same manner, jealousy and gossip. I was left out of female groups, told they didn't want to introduce their boyfriends to me for fear they would "fall in love with me" and so I was conditioned that girls only cause hurt. Of course, on my path of boys only I learned the same lesson, boys only cause hurt. With no girlfriends, and without a boyfriend, I found myself in two years of isolation during middle school. Sitting at home every night and every weekend leaves a pre-teenager with a lot of insecurity and self doubt. High school was met with more boyfriends, more of the same in that department. I started shutting down and only letting a few people in. You see, my logic here is that if you only let a few people in, there aren't as many to hurt you. If i test people and repeatedly push them away then they'll never break through to the core of me, i'll never let them close enough to know me and hurt me. Of course, what happened when the few people i let in hurt me? I allowed them to continue hurting me because at least there you know what to expect, at least i wouldn't have to go through the agony of letting someone new in. It becomes too much of an emotional investment for me to let anyone get too close, so I end up just letting in one person, the person i'm dating. I allow my boyfriend to consume my life, suddenly there's no time for friends, for family, I do everything with this one person, and I become isolated once again, but this time trapped with another person. The oddity is that I can't stand to be with just one person all the time, I crave conversation and interaction with other people. Thus we stumble upon the reason for many break ups in my life... i get bored. I get sick of talking with the same person, seeing them all the time and it leads me in search of something or someone new. I usually find this someone new (a guy) and start bonding with him, becoming new best friends. Of course, in my limited circle, i don't have time or emotions enough to spread amongst two people so the boyfriend whom i've become bored with gets the axe. Suddenly, i'm in a new relationship with my best guy friend. The cycle begins anew there and it's back to katie and the one man show only. And so this path has led me to college and one of the worst experiences of my life. Apparently, college conflicted with my ability to be all consumed by a single person... especially when that single person goes to military school in vermont. The strains of a controlling long distance relationship didn't mesh with my need to have someone close, to have someone to talk to when i needed him, someone who could see me more than twice in a school year. By second semester of my freshmen year, I found someone willing to be that for me at school. Of course, that didn't mean i didn't love tom, my boy from afar. I went home that summer ready to fix everything and be happy once more. The funny thing about my life is, I tend to do the same thing over and over again, seemingly never learning from my past. Sophomore year the same thing happened and I finally told the truth... months later in november of my junior year, I had finally destroyed that relationship. Rather than jumping into another relationship I wanted to wait. Maybe i was waiting for tom to return... he never did. Senior year i finally made the jump to that other relationship and there i've been ever since. Back to the all consuming world of one guy, one girl. The relationship isn't the problem, the other guys aren't the problem... the problem is me, and the way I let things repeatedly happen. I am left without a single female friend to confide in, left without a single male friend to confide in, I have only a boyfriend. I don't wish to say I am unhappy, because I am not. I suppose i just miss the friendships with others... or perhaps even the ability to have those friendships...

Tears

2005-10-19T00:44:03Z

I've never cried so many times in one week out of sheer frustration and stress. I don't know what to do anymore, every time i build up strength to face everything going on, something else happens and i'm reduced to tears and anger and terror all over again. I can't handle all of this, i can't stand it. I feel like i'm back in the ocean being pulled under time and again by relentless waves. Every time i think i'll have a chance to come up for air, something comes crashing down again. Why is this all happening at once, this is too much for one body to take.

It's Been A While...

2005-09-27T03:21:50Z

So, I have little time to actually write in my other journals so I'll leave a quick update for myself in this one...

Lots and lots going on, first off... Senior year, it's exactly the stressful whirl wind i thought it would be. I'm trying so hard to savor my time here because i know there will never be a time like this in my life again but I feel like the more i try to hold on the faster the time flies by. It's extremely overwhelming managing an entire dorm and a staff of RA's... I knew it would be difficult but sometimes it's a lot more than that. Not that it hasn't been rewarding either... my apartment is amazing, my life is pretty great and there's always the much needed pay check that rolls around twice a month.

More specifically this year has brought so many changes in such a short span of time... namely Adam. Finally official with the whole titles thing going on and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel controlled by that fact. It's been truly great and I'm so incredibly lucky to have someone who has withstood all of my tests and pushing away and complete bull shit that I put everyone through to make sure they're going to stick around. The thing is, I still test him, not purposefully, but i recognize it anyways and it's a wonder that he stays through it all.

This past weekend was my 21st birthday and it felt really weird to be consuming alcohol around my family... not that i drank more than a sip of anything but the fact that i was allowed to and even expected to. Alcohol has never held much sway over me anyways so the whole 21 thing hasn't been too big a deal but it was great to have a birthday, and a great birthday it was too. There was mom coming to stay and visit, still making me cupcakes for school :) and her 21 amazing birthday presents, and potter painting and then all the girly fun stuff like a hair cut and getting my nails done with her. That night was the Spirit of Washington cruise with adam and the roses and champagne and all of this truly amazing stuff. The crab feast and bowling and all of it was simply awesome and I had a great weekend. It was sad to leave home and my kitties and my Mom whom i miss the most when i'm gone. It's hard to come back to JMU knowing the stress and work that awaits me.

Speaking of kitties... I am proud to say i am the owner of a new little baby girl kitty named Madison. She is so cut and perfect and amazingly litterbox trained already! I'm so excited to finally have a kitten after months of searching for the perfect little orange and white one and now i have her!

This semester i am taking counseling for my basic counseling skills and it's great to be on the client side of psychology for a change. It's such a liberating and enlightening experience and I look forward to it every week. Shockingly enough, just talking it all out with someone I've managed to come up with some conclusions about my behaviors that I never thought of before. This year is so much better than last year!

One of the weirder summers of my life....

2005-07-25T18:33:33Z

So, time seems to be running out faster than i could have believed... the sand in the hour glass seems to be falling with odd rapidity. I find myself rushed into my last two weeks at home before I head back to school and begin Hall Director Training. There's so much to do and get ready for and I'll have my hands full with training and getting ready to train my RA's. It's odd to think that only a year ago, i was the beginner, showing up to school for RA training, completely nervous and unsure. I guess things haven't really changed, only now i'm completely unsure what i'm doing as a Hall Director. I have all these plans mapped out in a book, illustrated and colored, all these ideas and tools to use but when it comes to putting all of that in action i get really nervous. I'm so incredibly shy and although i can usually take charge in a group and become the leader, it's a little strange to actually be in charge, to have people working under me that i'm responsible for, that i'm supposed to train and discipline and inspire. It's strange to be taking on all this responsibility in my final year at college. I'm really worried because I have no idea what i'm doing... i have the vague plan that after i graduate i will go to grad school but when i break it down into specifics, there's nothing to flesh out my actual plan. I don't know what tests to take, what scores i need, where to apply, what i need to apply, how i will pay for it, how it will turn out, what will i do when i get to grad school... it all just feels so overwhelming. I find myself simply putting it off in my head, blocking thoughts about it so i don't have to worry and feel so stressed. The problem with that is, all of those questions need answers and soon. That's not what i wanted to write about though... i've had enough of that topic. Instead, I found myself thinking how strangely this summer began and how the events throughout the summer have left me feeling odd. It started with feeling utterly depressed over Tom despite the fact that we had broken up last november and had not spoken since. Somehow i thought coming home for the summer would solve my problems. I guess i was still clinging to the hope that he and i would get back together but in my heart i knew better. Tom finally did respond to me and left no question about what his sentiments were, he told me to move on, to get over it, and that he never wanted to be with me again. I thought i would have taken this news much harder than i did but as i hinted at before, I was only half fooling myself that we would get back together. Then there was hanging out with Billy, something we hardly ever got to do before and here seemed like such a great opportunity. For once, i was free to spend time with him without worry for a boyfriend or parents or anything. It was extremely refreshing and made me hope that maybe this summer wouldn't be so lonely, maybe I wouldn't spend all day stuck inside my house left with only my own thoughts. Then, well... that all went away in a matter of seconds, just when a false sense of security had begun to creep over me. I guess that's my own fault, only someone extremely stupid would let this happen over and over again, would subject themselves to it so many times. As always, Adam was there to pick up the pieces of everything, of all the sadness about Tom, all the loneliness i was feeling... all of me. Even from long distance he helped me piece myself back together, always reminding me what it's like to laugh and have someone genuinely care about you. Time spent with him was remarkable, I didn't hurt so much, i didn't feel empty, i didn't feel like hurting myself anymore. After an entire year of pain and hurt, after a summer of sadness, it was relieving to finally feel okay again. I can't claim a full recovery yet, there are still completely horrible moments when memories come flooding back, when tears begin to well up, but those moments come less and less often, they no longer darken my every thought. Despite my hopes of earlier, my summer did pass in virtual solitude, with hardly any contact beyond my family. Of course, i have failed to mention two horrible circumstances, one with jon where i was attacked and finally vowed to give up on him being a reformed person, and then there was paul who seemed to disappear from my life after hanging out once. With circumstances like these i could have relapsed into depression, i could have felt like a leper but i didn't. Maybe it's what i needed, time to let things settle in my life, time to heal and figure out things about myself. I don't know how i will look back on this summer, obviously not as the happiest and best, but ironically, not as the worst either.

Miscarriage

2005-07-20T02:55:34Z

So... tonight my family found out that my brother and his wife were in the emergency room because she had a miscarriage. It was the type of news that shakes the family, not necessarily because of the tragedy in a possible life lost but for other, more shallow reasons. First of all, it seemed completely ludicrous to all of us that we were only now hearing about the pregnancy and possible baby in the first place. Very much like their marriage, this was an event they decided to conceal from the family and only mentioned it after something important had occurred, you know, like waiting until a year and a half of living with your family to let them know that you and your fiancee were actually married already. So, the news was met with a bit of resentment, of course not expressed to the offending party... then there was the obvious relief we all felt at the fact that a baby would not be entering their lives. I don't know if my relief is for them or more for the baby who would undoubtedly grow up with numerous disadvantages and problems, as most children do who have been born to extremely ill prepared and grossly inadequate parents. These are people who cannot manage to take care of themselves, aged over 25 and yet still working for a basic college degree, still living in a high school bedroom of their parents' house. It's completely insane to contemplate a baby being born into that world... then again, part of me feels odd, to think how close i was to becoming an aunt. I do feel sad for my brother and his wife, i cannot pretend to imagine the type of loss they are dealing with or the emotions that accompany such a thing. My mom has seemed to take this news rather oddly, then again, it's not odd when you consider her past. Only recently i found out that before i was born, my mom had a miscarriage. I have often thought of the possibility that i could have never been born if that baby had been born instead. Religion and fate come heavily into question when i consider these options, especially in light of this most recent event. It is extremely fortunate that two people so wrongly suited to have a child (at least at this juncture) were met with this "accident". My mom repeated things a doctor told her after her miscarriage, stating that there was usually something wrong the with fetus in cases of miscarriage and so the pregnancy self aborts. I think it's amazing that the body could work in such a way, that there would be such inherent systems to detect flaws and self terminate for the benefit of both mother and child.
I dare say, there's nothing like strange family happenings to make your head hurt... as well as your heart. The reactions thus far from each family member have been varied but all with an underlying sense of relief...

The Maintenance of Friends

2005-07-08T19:14:45Z

Sometimes I wonder what it is in me that allows me to destroy so many friendships, the reason why I let hardly anyone stay in my life. I think perhaps it has something to do with the maintenance required in keeping friends... that and all the horrible experiences I've had in the past (mostly with girls). My past is riddled with stories of jealousy and hurt that have wisened me to the ways of the ugly female world. Having girl friends seems to be a greater hassle than its worth, all the drama and competition and lying makes it less like friends and more like enemies. Troubles don't reside solely in the woman world... boys in my life have been no better. Early in my youth, boys seemed to capitalize on the concept of "friends with benefits". Surely there's no real friendship in that situation either...when you simply become a scratching post. Of course, on top of all of that is the actual work and effort you have to put into being friends. You know, all the listening and caring to their problems, the comforting in times of need, the happiness in good times, the recurring contact required for maintaining that friendship. So, who really has the energy and time for all of that? Maybe the happiest people do... because all of those things you have to put into a frienship, they're all the things you take away from it too. It's a shame i've never been able to grasp the concept of letting people in, keeping them around, and allowing them to care about me while i care about them. In the end it's a decision between what friends are worth that effort.

Happy 4th of July!!!

2005-07-07T00:37:14Z

So... my mini vacation was quite refreshing and fun. I had a great time swimming in the pool, even with my disdain for the wearing of bathing suits, the food and ice cream and cheese cake and all of it was yummy and I obviously ate more than was wise but enjoyed every bite of it. The baseball game was fun and the fireworks times two. There's nothing like watching the sky ablaze with color and sparkle and then to find that you're sitting in grass where the automatic sprinklers are starting to come on. I got to play with dogs... labs to be exact and i love puppies!!! (wish they really were puppies, but they were still insanely cute). The best part of all though was spending time with a person who understands you, a person you're completely comfortable with and can talk to about anything. I like smiling and laughing far more than i like crying so this weekend was perfect! I like having a younger brother... you know, sort of, at least that's what it felt like with having the younger sibling tagging along all weekend, but it's kind of cool in a way, something i never had. I liked making pancakes and feeling all proud when i flipped them at a perfect golden brown and made them all circle like :) (it's the simple things in life that please me sometimes).

Of course, as wonderful as my weekend was, that's how crappy my drive back was with the extra hour of traffic i sat through (in four different spots of my trip), the two torrential down pours i drove through where all vision of the road was obscured and by far my favorite... the rock that came crashing into my windshield from an 18 wheeler, leaving me with this pretty star crack right in the middle of the glass (DAMNIT!). Oh well, you win some, you lose some, and the weekend was a big win.

I did miss my mom while i was gone and it was good to see her when i got back, especially when she squeezed me in a tight hug and told me how much she missed me. The feeling of happiness was a little less so when i realized they had left me an entire sink full of dishes to do, because apparently no one in the house other than myself washes dishes.

So begins my final month at home... the end to my last summer of college. It's an extremely weird and scary feeling to know that i'm a senior, to think about the tremendous responsibilities looming on the horizon before me... but the truth is, I don't want to!

When they can say it better...

2005-06-28T20:08:40Z

one day the dreamers died within us
when all our answers never came
we hid the truth beneath our skin but
our shadows never looked the same

a ghost is all that's left
of everything we swore we never would forget
we tried to bleed the sickness
but we drained our hearts instead
we are the dead

and when we couldn't stop the bleeding
we held our hearts over the flame
we couldn't help but call it treason
after that we couldn't fill our frames
after that our shadows never looked the same

in summers past we'd challenge fate
with higher pitch and perfect aim
and standing fast, we'd radiate
a light we loved but never named
but the answers never came
and our shadows never looked the same

a ghost is all that's left
of everything we swore we never would forget
we tried to bleed the sickness
but we drained our hearts instead
we are the dead
a ghost of everything we thought but never said
we tried to bleed the sickness
but we drained our hearts instead

we are the ones who lost our faith
we dug ourselves an early grave
we are the dead, can we be saved?

Once Upon A Time....

2005-06-20T18:43:46Z

I wish i were a, "once upon a time" girl, you know, the princess faced with some obstacle which she overcomes beautifully and meets a prince and all just works out perfectly. Life just isn't like the fairytales i used to cherish. There is no happily ever after because happiness is not something you achieve once and it just lasts until all eternity. I figure there are a few big happy events in a person's life and then there's just the tragedies and little moments of happiness that make up the rest of your life. Finding those small moments is what takes some time. Sometimes I wish life were a little easier but that just wouldn't be very fun. Once upon a time i thought i knew who i was, i thought i knew who other people were but now i spend most of my time fumbling in the dark, a blind woman in a room of light, so much around to see and absorb but all i see is shadows. I don't want people to see sadness when they look at me, i don't want them to read pain when they read my poetry. I want to be one of those happy people, the kind that squeeze out the sad times by focusing on the little things and piecing them together. So, maybe... maybe i could be a happy person.

I really want to scream

2005-06-18T04:25:17Z

There's so much anger inside me right now that i really want to open my mouth and let all of the bitterness and insecurity and hurt and fury out. Why do i feel the need to be remotely kind to someone who is so obviously NOT. Mean boys suck... being a nice girl SUCKS. I don't ever want to feel like that again, feel afraid for my safety because that's what happens in the all too farmiliar scene of basements. The fear that rises from your stomach to your throat when you worry that maybe you're not physically as strong as the person trying to grab you and hold you there... maybe being nice has just gotten you into trouble. For tonight I'm okay and strength was on my side. You don't hit girls you say, you won't hit me... hard you say? Guess what, you don't have to ball your fist up to abuse a girl. You just have to grab her really tight, squeeze her arms and legs, hold her against her will... but you don't hit you say, so that must make what you do okay. You self deprecating fuck, it's all some show but really you like to insult me, really that's what you thrive on, putting me down and telling me i can take it, telling me it's okay for you to say what you say because of course i don't care... right? Well take a fucking look in my eyes, if i don't care and can take it so easily, why do i remember every insult you've ever thrown at me, why do i feel every inch of pain and bruises you've caused me... I HATE YOU. Why do I meet you with smiles when you turn the inside of my stomach to bile? Why do I put myself anywhere near you... am I so stupid, so insanely naive to think this time it will be different... i'm breaking that habit tonight. NEVER AGAIN, I'M SICK OF IT!

princesspotter1 @ 2005-05-26T22:41:00

2005-05-27T02:50:59Z

Some days it becomes close to impossible to get out of bed, to find some reason to roll over, climb down the ladder (yes i have a ladder up to my bed), to stumble blindly to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Some days i think how easy it'd be to simply stay in bed, in bed you don't feel anything... that came out of the same rule book stating that you are completely safe from all creatures of the dark as long as you remain completely beneath your covers... I still won't let any part of my body hang off to the side of the bed. The thing that sucks about being sad... even your dreams, the magical place where you have total control over the world... yes, even there things suck.

I really really really want to stop whining, want to stop feeling, want to stop all of it. So maybe if i open my window and find that special star in the sky, the one I found as a child, wishing for stupid things like snow to get out of school, my elementary school boyfriend to talk to me again, my mom to find her purse, my life to be all better, maybe then all of this would stop. It's funny, I still have stupid wishes, the kind that don't mean a thing to anyone but myself, the kind that are overly dramatic and self pitying. I can't stop complaining about wanting certain things, and maybe it's just a product of feeling completely wrong, wrong in every sense of the word. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, i don't feel comfortable with my own thoughts, i don't feel smart or pretty or confident or talented or all the other nonsense things my mom tries to tell me i am... but i do feel like the other things she says about me... not okay, weird, a loner, socially inept... you know all the good things that win you the miss america pagents. That's me, the all american girl, complete with low self-esteem, mental problems, and a few other juicy tid bits that won't be disclosed. I don't want pity, i don't want to hear things will be okay, hell, i don't even want someone to help me fix my problems, i just want to feel okay. Sometimes i think it's working, sometimes i smile, and feel sort of like myself, but times like these send that all crashing into oblivion. Sometimes, it's really scary when you're crying... and no one can see you... sometimes it's really scary when you're screaming and begging and pleading but no one can see you.

The other night i had a dream about my biological father and he was chasing me, trying to kill me. I also had a dream that i could fly, but i was being chased and for some reason i had to get a running start to fly, but i was never sure if i ran far enough to allow me to fly so i would end up crashing into the ground, never able to stay flying.

princesspotter1 @ 2005-05-24T22:15:00

2005-05-25T02:16:46Z

There is no possible way to indicate on a computer the giant scream i would love to let out at this moment without it looking completely lame, so... insert very loud screaming complete with pulling of hair and many profanities.